A body is a terrible thing to waste

 

A friend asked me the other day, why I thought my body had undergone so many physical difficulties. As metaphysical persons, we do believe there is a connection between the spiritual and the physical; that our thoughts can bring about our reality. And we have always striven to think thoughts of health and wellness; thoughts of abundance and joy; thoughts of skill and community. So why, why, why have our bodies, in effect, betrayed us?

My truth is this: because for the last 40 years, I have been out of my body.

Which I suppose isn’t exactly right; I have obviously been somehow connected to my body, as we are walking and talking and singing and creating, hugging and dancing. But I have not been fully integrated. 

Growing up, I rocked the spiritual aspect. I was intellectual and I was imaginative and most of all I was looking toward the Heavens. Because that's what it was supposed to be all about wasn't it? Keep your mind on God. Think holy thoughts. Mind over matter.

Yes, I did diets and exercise; took my vitamins; went for walks; I loved to dance. But the focus, the mind, was on the spirit realm. I had the top three chakras covered (crown-above the head; third eye-forehead; throat-um, throat), and believed I was reasonably acquainted with the fourth (the heart); but the base chakras – the root (pelvic), sacral (lower abdomen) and solar plexus (upper abdomen)—frankly I thought they kind of took care of themselves. Like a computer. Or a car.

That's why I needed will power. To drive the body. To control it. Even to divorce myself from it. What better way to not feel pain, you know? And frankly, who would want to be hanging around in this world? Where people are mean to each other and I never ever fit in. Much better to spend time in other peoples' universes, or striving to be more energy than matter. Because it's energy and intention that drives the world, right? 

 But energy, it turns out, needs to be connected to the matter it wishes to change. 

And so while I was believing as hard as I could in my health and happiness, my body slowly got weaker. A pylonidal cyst here. A hysterectomy there. A heart attack. A tumor. 

 By tumor time, I was aware that I was more out than in, and ready to return. It took me about a year and slew of events: a willingness to experience physical discomfort; a couple energy healings; a startling realization that my world was very different from the worlds of books and tv; a funky breathing meditation led by Natalie McNeal. But here I am; here we are, me and my body. Grounded and centered. 

 Somedays, I still slip out, like popping my head up out of the convertible while steering with my feet. But I come back. I put myself back in the driver’s seat. I am practicing listening to my body, working through my body. Focusing on the heart instead of the mind. And every day, I am not only healthier, I am more delighted. 

But I will say, it is very different, being in this world.