What I'm trying to say is...
One of the things I've always thought wanted to be was a writer. I guess I should say, an author. A teller of stories. Not only with the fame and fortune that implies (or implied back in the day) but also with the impact of showing people my point of view. My perception. That there is a different way, a different world, a different possibility.
I do love writing. Both the act of typing--the click, click, busy activity of the fingers as they fly. And the act of writing--putting color and life onto a blank page. It's kind of a powerful feeling, to fill up, to bring into the physical world, these things that did not exist there in that space or place before. (huh. So that's what that feeling is. Wow. I haven't really articulated it that way before.)
And since I love reading and I love writing and I have in fact written blogs and books and newletters and you could say that copywriting is one of my skills and people have read my stuff and enjoyed it, And since I am willing to sit and listen and have a conversation until everything is figured out, I have always thought I was a good communicator.
But I am not a good communicator. I am not sure I am a communicator at all. Because communications requires a two way streets, does it not? Being aware of both side of the conversation, the starting points and the point where we hope to meet up in the middle. And I, I get caught up in what the other person is trying to say, or understand, and I have difficulty accessing what I actually think, feel, believe or know.
It's a combination of rule following (aka: figure out what the other person wants, because they are right and I am never right, and fall into line and do it that way) and empathy/telepathy (figure out what the other person feels so I can express the right emotion to help them.)
Being out of body, it was very easy to connect with what the other person wants, needs, feels is the right way to do it. But it was much harder to figure out how I would do it, how I would explain it. Because I get caught up in the other person's perspective, and am unable to access my own viewpoint. So I couldn't express it, could not have a conversation, could not remember what delicious difference I was trying to express so that we could move forward, instead of circling in confusion.
Also, I think--and I could be wrong here--but I really that a GOOD communicator would actually reply to texts and emails within a day or two of receiving them. And I mean reply as in send a response, as opposed to format the response in my head and forget to actually put it on screen.
I do love writing. And I love exchanging ideas with people, conversing about books and theology and, with the right people, the differing states of thought and being in this world. I love listening and I am learning to use my voice.
But communicating is something I am still practicing, especially when trying to communicate with myself!